Splendour and Ingles

Wow, it has been like 2 years and a half since I havent post anything.  I need to catch up here.  let's see: a break up, on my own for awhile, a new relationship, and brain tumour later, I really need to catch up.  Where do I start ? 

I got drunk last night. Richard looked at me if I were an alcoholic. No, I am not. But karaoke is so fun. And I got to sing most of the songs I wanted to sing. I think Hypolita and I are hardcore karaokers. The crowd last night helped too. Usually, some of the people are hard to get along with. But they were good last night. I even sang "Pop goes the World". I think that song is the ultimate pop song. Everytime I sing it, I get so happy. Everything gets clear and shiny. I really love it. And if you read the lyrics, its about LIFE. As soon as we are born and the all the stages of our lives, and then we die. Actually, the album "Pop Goes The World" is a concept album. Its a metaphor. It deals with all the events that happen throughout our lives. Being born, innocence, uncertainties we come accross with , happiness, falling in love, pain, getting old, and dying. I would say, you would have to litsen to the album a few times to get used to it. Its hard to digest it in the beginning. But I learned to enjoy it. I recommended it.

I think I had enought of my holidays. I am like getting so restless to do something. I havent even drank! I need to do something about that. Soon. Or else, I am going to go all crazy on myself. This morning I got up at 8:00 in the fucking morning! even Casey looked at my with horror; it was like she was saying: "why are you getting up now? even I wouldnt get up this time!!"

I feel like nachos. Salty and beer. That's what the doctor is recomending right now. Mmmm...nachos......mmm...mmm..beer

I have been eating kinda bad lately. But I have been exercising!

A nice long nap would help now.....Mmmm....nap....mmmm

After my week of debauchery, I really wanted to get into to groove. I did drink alot didnt I? and I smoked alot too. Now, I am being mr. responsible and mr."I should catch up on my sleep". I know deep inside I am still a party animal. Dionysus hear me roar.

My holidays are just around the corner. I cant wait to get away from work. I am going to be so happy. But I know I should look for another job. Cause this one is not paying for my life at all. I want new clothes, and new everything. Money to go out would be nice. I am not asking for alot. But new clothes would be nice. A new wardrobe for the new me. Hip. Fresh. a hint of retro. Youthfull. Very me. ok, not too youthfull, I am not like 20 or something.

I definitely need a new job.

I should at least make an attempt. I really should.

Ok, so we take my parents out for dinner. Total disaster in a way. My dad brings out that gay marriage is legal here, and then my mom says "too bad". Smoke starts coming out of my ears. Richard didnt heard what she said, and I am so fuming for the rest of the eveing.

I shouldnt get so mad with them because I havent come clean with my parents about me being gay and my relationship with Richard. On the other hand, is it just me, but I know the whole world knows about it, and those who don't eventually can put two and two together.

I mean, a blind monkey can figure this one out. And yet, Iam still in square one with my parents. Come on, give me a break. Alot people will argue with that I should tell them. But you know, the history with my family, like some families in this world, goes back to the lack of communication.

In addition, the on going things that never seen to end with us. I really get so tired of trying to just wait for them tell me and ask me. Its not like, I always had girlfriends and they saw me having any relationships with the opposite sex.

I think, "flaming queen" was writing all over my forehead all this time. And the rest of world read very clearly, but my parents have never wanted to read the writing of my life.

I hate eating healthy. I hate working out. I want to eat like and entire cheesecake, and wash it down with a big fat cappuccino. But I guess I have to do it.
I really try to get myself in shape. But right now, I want to completely cheat on my diet. And I get hungry. Especially today. I dont mind eating healthy. But I get these fucking cravings for sweets. Cookies, cake, more cake, muffins, cupcakes, and more cake. I am just a kid! I gonna cry!

I hate working out. Hate it. I just want to sit on my ass and watch tv. I guess I have to do it, if one day I want to slip into a tight slutty t-shirt and drive to boys wild.

Its a hard job. And who said being young and beatiful was an easy job?!!!! I was told a big fat LIE then.


PS-MMMM....chinise food...yummy in my tummy right now....

I did some serious partying this week. I drank just a bit too much. Lets see, on Monday met Janice and we got drunk and went a long walk along upper Mount Royal. And we also got stoned. Then, on Wednesday, we out with Hipolyta to Boyztown and we got drunk. Saw the amateur strip show. Danced and we were silly. Then on Friday, went out with a coworker and our manager. We went to Ming. My manager got so drunk. I had to helped her to a taxi, and the last time she got drunk was like five years ago. Poor woman. On Saturday, went out to Boyztown again, drank a bit, but didnt get drunk. But everyone else did.

I am still standing.

Barely.

I didnt do much today. I woke up really really late. Like noonish. Good for me. I have been sleep deprived. Right now, I am like wanting to change my job. My boss is a jerk. Only if he was nicer to his staff, we wouldnt be so unhappy and bitchy. We try so hard to make our job enjoyable, but we are so ticked off with everything right now. Whatever.

Last night, I went out with Cynthia. We had dinner at this Nepalese restaurant. The food was good. Very middle-eastern. We had a nice conversation. Then we went to see "Saint Ralph". It was very good movie. It was like, "Billy Elliott" but instead of ballet it was with running. And Saint Ralph is a Canadian film. But it was so sweet.

Today, I wanted to get the new New Order cd. I didnt have time. I love New Order. Their music got me through high school.

Even though, I have siblings somewhere outthere, I really dont get along with any of them. And even though, we share different parents with some of them, we really dont know eachother. There have been so many times in my life, when I wanted to have a sibling to call, have some fun, talk to them, or knowing that a brother or sister would say "I can tell you, Luiz wouldnt like this, its not his colour, trust me, I know him".

Some of my good friends have filled that missing sibling space. But it doesnt come to the interpretation that I am looking for. But very close. And I cherish that because they are the closest.

When I see the Hilton sisters, even the Jessica and Ashlee simpson, and I get so jealous of Jake and Maggie Gylenhall cause they look so cute

I guess I am a one-man show in this.

Richard doesnt count cause hes my boyfriend. Lets not got there.

I really tried to have that kind of relationship with Karen, but that didnt work. In fact, it backfired.
And with my David (stepsibling) that really really really blew up in my face. And then my older sister, well, lets just say, we dont like each other. I like her, but I dont love her. The sad thing is that she is very nice, but she is broken and our lives are meant not to intertwine. Oh no.

Oh well, whatever, I tried not to care that much anyway.

I am doing ok. Nothing too exciting happening in my life. Just boring work. I decided to clean the spare bedroom. But the more you clean the more messy it looks. I give up. I had so much chocolate and now I am drinking coffee and my tummy is going........yuck.

Went out last night with hipolyta d, and I think we got quite drunk.  We went to Twisted Element, and it wasnt so bad. Of course for a Wednesday night there wasnt so much action.  But there was a drag show. It was good.  But we did dance. I was pretty drunk.

Got up this morning. And no hangovers. But I did have really bad stuff to eat: sausage, cheese, avocado and bread all mush up together. I know it sounds gross, but I was craving something bad and fatty. Lotsa coffee. And I am fine now. Just a bit tired.

I think I can still do it. I can party like if it was 1999.

I actually enjoyed watching the Oscars. They didnt fucked them up after all. And Chris Rock was at his best behaviour. He was a gentleman. But he was still funny. I was ready to see The Aviator and Martin Scorcese to up stage and get their oscars. But leave it to the Million Dollar Baby get those frisky Oscars. I love surprises like that in the oscars. But I really really wanted Natalie Portman to win, and same with Clive Owen because he is a sexy bitch.

Day off today. Yea me. The apartment looks shit. Looks a trick pad or it looks like we're making anthrax. I did the bathrooms and trying to fix around here. But whatever. I have wash the dishes. But I am kinda drunk. Found some Brandy and mixed it with seven up. Not too shabby. I have to take a shower now. I will be back. Soon.

You know, the Grammys were really really good this year. Very slick. very polished. All the performances were amazing. All of them. And Green day got a Grammy and U2 as well. Cool. I think theres alot a better music in the last four months or so. I am very sorry but I dont like hip hop and rap that much. Self-serving music. Gangsta rap is even worse. But I love there is a punk revival. Ok maybe call it neo/pop punk. But right now, I do love The Killers, Fraz Fernidand, Modest Mouse, and of course, Green Day.

It was good day at work. Nice and flowy. I like those days. And lately, I have been a good boy with what I am eating. But I dont know if its showing? but sometimes it so tempting to give up and just eat that cheesecake. the entire cake.

Tomorrow is the grammys and in my book, American Idiot by Green Day should get everything. But I have a feeling that Ray Charles, Usher, Alicia Keys are going to be the winners. But then again, the grammys are not suppose to be a popularity contest. We'll see....

I am trying really hard not to be so damn cranky these days. It really shows on my face. I am putting away these negative feelings I have for my family right now. Just get over it. I have done it this long. But I dont know why its getting to me now.

I just want to get on with my life, and just make the best that I have in my world. Its so hard when you know you have been in a very toxic environment for so long, and you can either learn to let go of all the anger, the pain, the resentment, or you have to accept that you have to carry this weight for ever.

The choice is mine.

Woke up this morning. Went to my staff meeting. Nothing really exciting. We just keep rehatching the same shit. Over and over. Came home. Then I just took a nap. Am I not living so dangerously? and now I gotta take a quick shower. I am meeting Blaine soon. But I will be back.

So, ok, Karen stops by this morning. So much for sleeping in. Anyway, she brings me "my Christmas presents". They are not even wrapped. She didnt know what they were. And am I like, whatever. She tells me that Vanessa was upset because I didnt get back to her. And I am sure Karen noticed that I didnt care that much. She tells me that I even missed Diana's birthday. I know I did. But I didnt say anything. You know, God forbid if we take them for granted, the end of the world on our asses, but it is ok for them to forget about you. I didnt even get a proper thank you over christmas. I try to let go because it is not worth my time anymore. Is it just me, or are they so self-involved? And then, she starts bad mouthing Twisted Element and how her boyfriend "would not fucking go to a gay bar" And I am thinking, you know Karen, from everybody in our family, I had been there for you. Litsened to you in your times of need. The nicest thing you could do is kinda stand up to your boyfriend or anyone when they are being negative toward the gay life. Because if you havent noticed I am fucking gay!

I dont know why but it is taking me a long time to figure out that all my life people have taken advantage of me. Yep it dawned at me this morning, at this sleepless hour. In every shape and form, people have taken advantage of me. Everyone.

I dont know why I have let it happened. I know I have this thing that I have to please everyone and anyone, and sometimes I forsaken myself along the way. I have given up my own time, money, emotions, sympathy, body, mind, sex, convinience and inconvinience, talent, creativity, strenght, voice, patience, kindness, education, and so many other things I have given up for everybody and at the end, I get screwed.

I dont know why I have let it happened. Over the course of 31 years (almost 32), I have done this, and time over time, I let people take from my platter, and very few give me something back.

I just dont know how to even begin to change all this. How do I stop it? How do I stop people from taking from me? Just when I think I have done something good in my life, and be there for the human race, I end up losing something.

Sometimes, I have done it so maybe I get some respect, appreciation, or even acknowledgement or even friendship.

I like to think that all of this will lead me somewhere. But when I look at I think Im wasting so much energy. At times, I think when I am there for the people I know, it is like my contribution in this life, but really the word DOORMAT is written accross my forehead.

One thing, right now, I know for sure, everyone is so fucking selfish. And alot of this people take from the weak and the meek. Me.

I just dont know what to do. This has always been there, in front of my face, it is only until right now, it has hit me like a truck. Im sorta of state of shock I guess. But all I know right now that it has to stop. I have to start make that change in life, and I have to learn to this lesson.

Happy 05.Just like that, we're in another year. Scary I tell you. My xmas was good. I got lotsa presents. I cooked alot and I ate alot. But at the same time, I was in bad mood during the holidays. Dont know why. I tried to enjoy myself, but I couldnt seem get into the festivities.

I think it was just growing pains. I think it was just alot of realizations about my life. The worlds around me. More and more, I tried to keep a real distance from all my family. I had my parents over days before christmas, and that went ok. Very sterile if you ask me. And yes, I know they know about my relationship with Richard. But you know what? whatever. They go to hell.

I sent presents to the rest of my family, and they didnt even called me just to say thank you for me thinking of them. I know, I know, it is not about gifts and trying to get good karma, but I know these people. They are self centered, and I shouldnt have gone that far. But the thing is, I have nothing to do with all their problems with my parents and all that shit. I was, honestly, with good intentions, sending them gifts as way saying: hey you are in my thoughts, here is a token, have wonderful holiday, and take care.

I learned my lesson. But in a way, it was a slapped on my face. I didnt deserved it. Especially when I have been there for Karen, especially during her bad times with her own parents and her boyfriend. But even her, she didnt even called me. And I also did the same. I guess I had it coming either way.